Editor's Note: This is the conclusion of a two-part series.

Three components of self-awareness

• The first aspect is understanding how we have been uniquely created—our particular bent if you will. Some people have called this the Element. Others term it our ‘sweet spot.’ Still others call it are unique talent pool or our Hedgehog Principle. We call it your Intentional Difference. Whatever you call it, it involves the hardwiring internal to each of us that makes us uniquely who we are.

• The second aspect that is critical is our own personal story. Each of us has come from a particular background. We grew up in a family. In that family we were a particular gender and occupied a particular birth order. Our parents exhibited certain traits, habits and behaviors towards us and the world. We grew up in a community that had a special DNA, and that community molded us in certain ways.  We had seminal events that occurred in our lives, with special people entering our lives at critical moments. The sum total of all of these life events I call our unique story or narrative out of which each of us now live. We use this unique story as a ‘pair of glasses’ to give us perspective on everyone and all that is going on around us. It is from this story that our Red Zone emerges.

• The third aspect is the culture that surrounds us. As stated above, our present community (home, church, town, state, country) has a particular DNA or what we call Code, that shapes us into its own image.

These three aspects of our selves shape who we are and affect our thoughts, emotions, and ultimately our behaviors. 

The problem is always in the room—and begins with me! Conflict raises anxiety, and once anxiety is raised, the focus becomes reducing the anxiety (even when the anxiety is helpful in moving people in more useful directions). One sure-fire way to reduce anxiety is to focus on issues outside of the room (such as a problem person within the congregation). 

This allows us to avoid the present conflict unfolding between us, and focus on something/one who is not present. Another way to reduce anxiety is to marginalize those in the room who bring up conflicted topics that demand resolution. Unfortunately, this runs completely counter to good leadership, which always protects the voice of dissent, knowing that dissenting opinion often ripens the conversation, bringing in different perspectives that have been overlooked. It must be noted that not everyone is adept at dissenting in an effective manner. But no matter, differing opinions are critical to effective conversations.

By the way, avoiding conflict means that there will always be an ‘elephant in the room,’ that unspoken, unprocessed something that continues to gum up the works. If we could talk about it, we could figure out how to resolve it. But we can’t talk about it, so it just simmers there gaining more power within the organization simply because it has never been discussed.

We only grow when we are uncomfortable. That’s right, life is about pain, though we live in a culture that avoids pain at all costs, and always seeks the win-win happy place (which is the immature place noted above). Hopefully this white paper is currently making you uncomfortable, as you begin to see some of your own shortcomings. That discomfort is not a bad thing (though you will experience it as anxiety, and intuitive think to turn away from this paper and not consider its merits). 

Your job with the congregation (as in parenting) is to work yourself out of a job. If you are leading a consumer congregation, and being well-supported for not upsetting the apple cart by raising anxiety too high, then you rest firmly within the majority of clergy. But you may have been reading all of that literature about how to be missional and how to see effective ministry as community-focused, not pastor-focused (where often the most dependent members of your organization set the agendas, thus moving leadership toward weakness rather than strength, and leveraging power to the recalcitrant, the passive-aggressive, and the most anxious members of the institution rather than toward the energetic, the visionary, the imaginative, and the most creatively motivated). This literature is dangerous, for it will stimulate you to begin the transformative work of changing paradigms, which will of course raise congregational anxiety, which will provoke push-back and therefore raise your own anxiety. 

Why not just leave well enough alone? The congregation is content with you in the role of paid Christian who runs all over the place doing the ‘real’ ministry while everyone settles back and watches you sweat. Well, you say, I just can’t. This laissez-faire way of ministering just doesn’t seem to square with what Jesus had in mind, and the way he operated. Just remember, when the status quo is upset, people feel a sense of profound loss and dashed expectations. Then they exert inordinate amounts of pressure on the powers that be (i.e. you) to return things to the status quo.

Transformational Leadership
You decide to change the culture of your congregation, to begin to make them aware that authentic ministry is a community pursuit—not a one person professional Christian pursuit, that every member is uniquely gifted to build up the body and make it healthy. First, understand that you have just stepped into the transformational arena of leadership. That means that simple technical answers (such as having a class after worship that teaches everyone what their responsibilities are, or having everyone read a book) won’t work. 

You are going to have to become very adept at transformational leadership (which involves a number of skills you can find in The Leadership Triangle). You’re going to have to manage your own anxiety as those around you become more anxious (“What? I’m going to have to now exercise my gifts and become an intentional part of this ministry? I didn’t bargain for that. I’m leaving!).  And you’re going to need a game plan. An excellent place to look is the movie Moneyball (with Brad Pitt). This movie explains how Billy Beane, GM of the Oakland A’s baseball team, went about changing the whole paradigm of how baseball is understood, beginning with how players are selected. It also shows the ups and downs he experienced along the way.

You absolutely cannot go it alone, even if you’ve been a Lone Ranger in ministry for many years. As mentioned, I coach and have coached dozens of ministers in many different traditions around the country and in Canada. Over and over I discover these ministers to be isolated in their ministries. And this isolation brings with it a whole host of problems and dysfunctions. Folks, get a clue! You’re on the front lines! You’re taking all manner of incoming fire. How can you possibly be effective, maintain your sanity, uphold clear boundaries, and lead effectively if you’re doing this completely alone? 

You need the support of people who are in the same position as you. (Be advised that people who have not experienced being in ministry have no idea as to the pressures you face, none!). Within your communities undoubtedly there are minister gatherings where you can find understanding and guidance as you navigate the troubled waters of ministry. 

Dr. Jim Osterhaus, Ph.D, is a Senior Partner with TAG Consulting. He also serves as Vice President of the Standing Committee of the Diocese of the Mid-Atlantic and is a member of Truro Anglican Church in Fairfax, VA.